Evolution at its Finest July 6, 2011

Last week sometime, I went out and got drinks with some teacher friends of mine. These are people whose company I genuinely enjoy and am very happy to see over this, my first summer vacation. This night provided an interesting petri dish for my book-thinking brain. All three of us are in committed relationships: one married for almost 5 years after marrying young, one having just moved in with his on a year, off a year, on another year girlfriend, and me in my its-close-enough-to-a-year-to-say-almost-a-year longest relationship of my life. My married friend, let’s call him John, gave me a lot to think about that night. First, I must say, that he is one of my favorite people. He has been a role model to me both personally and professionally, and I am extremely thankful to have him in my life. I learned a lot about him that night, and through that a lot about myself and this crazy relationship thing.

One thing I learned is that he’s much more insecure than I would have expected. He is insecure about his looks (he shouldn’t be) and about his marriage. No, not in some ways you might think. He’s afraid that his wife is too good for him and that she’s going to wake up one day, realize that, and leave him. He’s afraid he doesn’t deserve her (he does)

John and his wife got married young, 23. Partially because of that same insecurity I mentioned, but mostly because he just loved her so much, he couldn’t see a reason not to. Thinking about myself at 23, and the idea of getting married then is scarier than The Exorcist in 3D. I think back to then, and many other times in my life when I kept myself from a relationship because I “needed to get to know myself” or “had some things I needed to take care of” In conversing with John and our other friend I came to a realization. I am never going to know myself, and I will always have things I need to take care of. Do I regret keeping myself from those relationships in the past? Absolutely not, that what was right for me. But I think about my current relationship and almost laugh. I’m not any more put together or figured out than I was a year ago, before we met. I still wrestle with an eating disorder and sometimes depression. I’m still just as messy and only slightly less fiscally irresponsible. I have changed a lot over the past year. I have learned so much about myself and my strengths and weaknesses. But those big things that, in the past, would have shut me off from a relationship are still there. They always will be. I am starting to get organized, I’m starting to budget better. So when those issues are gone, there will be new ones. I will never be perfect, none of us are. We are constantly evolving and morphing. If I really had waited until  “fixed myself” then I would have been single for the next eternity. Insecurities are part of being human, a part of evolution that makes us who we are. Love is about accepting those insecurities in yourself and in other people, and letting it evolve from there.

Green

Recently I have found myself once again in the position of relationship counselor. Somehow, and though it never works on me, I possess the gift of being able to say just the right thing to help some of my friends in their relationship qualms. There has been one topic that has come out multiple times recently is that of jealousy.

Jealousy, anger, frustration, and the lot of deemed “negative” emotions are okay. No, I’m not crazy, and no, you didn’t read that wrong, nor is it a misprint. Jealousy is okay. In the past, I have found jealousy to be an unattractive quality until I started thinking more on the subject. Some of the evolution in my thought ties into my budding practice as a Buddhist, but it was really a recent conversation I had with some friends that acted as a catalyst for my change of mind.  A friend of mine recently pointed out that everyone is jealous, just not everyone admits to it, and with this I agree.

In the Buddhist practice, it is common to come upon the saying “sit with it” That is, sit with your emotions, whatever they are. That it is okay to feel anger, and frustration, and jealousy. In my opinion, it is  important to sit with these emotions for two reasons. First, when you sit with the so-called negative emotions, it allows you to see clearer and appreciate more the emotions’ counterparts of happiness, compassion, and love. It brings out the contrast for a better picture of yourself. This I have thought for a while. The second, though, is a new side of my view. I think it is important to sit with your emotions to see where they come from. Jealousy in the past for me was so unattractive because I saw it only as a negative emotion, sprung only from other negative emotions. What I have seen in my recent conversations with friends and their jealousy is that  it is coming from love. I have a friend who is admittedly easy jealous when it comes to his wife interacting with other men because he loves her so much. He is so in love with her that he doesn’t feel completely worthy of her love (he is worthy) and is afraid she is going to wake up and realize that she’s better than him and leave him. His jealousy is rooted in fear which is rooted in pure, unwavering love. I have another friend in a similar boat. She has realized that her jealousy is due mostly to the realization could forge the intimacy they share with someone else. Again jealousy from fear from love. Jealousy in this form provides the feeler with an important opportunity: to never take the person they love for granted. That access to jealousy can stand as a reminder of what they have to lose, and how little they want to lose it. Which can create only more love Because to me, nothing born from love can be bad, even jealousy.

Hands free. June 20, 2011

Entering into my current relationship has proven to be a lesson in humility. you might notice that my last post was over a year ago. This is not because I have not met anyone or nothing has happened over the past year, more the contrary. I have been in the happiest, healthiest, and longest relationship of my life. I think the biggest reason why I didn’t write is because I was afraid of digging too deep. Viewing our relationship as an impressionist painting, the picture from 5 feet back was so beautiful, but I feared that the brush strokes would expose undesired views, or that looking so close would some how break the magic of our relationship. That’s how I view the glue of what holds us together: magic. Not because I’m surprised that we’re still together, we are, in fact, very compatible. The magic is how fast and easy it was, how I didn’t even have the opportunity or desire to sabotage. We just miraculously became us. I was able to become part of “us” because I finally let go of myself. Let me explain.

 

At the end of August 2010, I made a major leap forward in the realm of being self aware: after years of fighting, I finally admitted to myself, and then to those closest to me, that I had an eating disorder. We’ll call this “The Admittance”I won’t go into detail here because they really aren’t important. Needless to say, though, that this was a huge wall coming down. And as I would find out, a major turning point as well. Right around this time, I had been, well, chasing a now friend of mine. We went on the two most romantic dates I have experienced with one small problem: the lack of romance. As much as I wanted there to be, and one might even say there should have been, there was no spark. I had been manufacturing one because that is what I wanted to see, but it wasn’t there. My becoming desperate search for a mate created nothing more than a mirage in the desert of dating.

At the point of “The Admittance” I made a very conscious decision that I couldn’t continue chasing this faux spark as I had realized I needed to be chasing my selfness. I needed to know myself. Whether an act of mature decision making or an effort to save face, I told my friend that while I didn’t know where he stood, I just couldn’t be with him.

These events are just part of a turning point for me: they were letting go. I’m a Type A person, I feel most comfortable when I’m in control. I used to over share so people wouldn’t look past the surface of what I was telling them to see what I viewed as undesirable. Like the fact that I had an eating disorder, for example. More than anything else, I did this in relationships. i let go of my desire because I knew, somewhere, that is wasn’t right. And that it wasn’t going to be.

At the time of “The Admittance” I committed another act of letting go, though I hadn’t viewed it as such at the time. I joined match.com. I know, as someone who has written an entire chapter of online dating, it was the last place I saw myself. I had grand notions of storybook meetings and romantic first encounters that blossomed into lifetime loves. But the blossoms, for me, never came. Those romantic first encounters died and shriveled into mounds of failed relationships I had collected over the years. And every time another one shriveled and died, there was wise Katrina, nudging (sometimes shoving) me in the direction of online dating. I was never going to meet an appropriate mate in the circles I found myself, the said. I was bartending full time and frequenting a local grunge punk establishment. It was fine that I was going to a grungy punk bar, but as Katrina pointed out: grungy punk boys make terrible boyfriends. She was right. I knew this. And for so long had balked on principle. I was the only one that got to make decisions about who I date and where I meet them! No set ups! No Blind dates! And certainly no computer program linking me to my match! Never!

Once again, never say never. I was cranky one early September night over another idiot that  had encountered, probably at the bar. Talking to another of my friends, she mentioned that another one of her friends met someone amazing on match.com. Fine! I said, shaking my fists at the universe. I’ll do it, just to get it out of the way. So that when I met my next grungy punk boy and had that shrivel and die, no one could point me to the internet for consolation and help. On I went to match.com to make my profile. I signed up for a 6 month subscription, thinking that if I was going to bother at all I should give it 100%. I posted my pictures, wrote my descriptions.

For anyone that hasn’t done it, writing a profile for an online dating site is one of the hardest acts. It is ripe with opportunities for self doubt because you are basically making an ad campaign for yourself. How do I want to appear to the person reading this, what kind of person do I want to attract, which words should I choose. This part of online dating alone is exhausting. Which is why, at 2am when I happened to stumble upon the profile of my would-be sweetheart, I merely saved him as a favorite, not feeling at all charming, especially in courtship. You can understand my surprise ( and somewhat hidden elation when he messaged me 3 days later, unprovoked)

I let go of myself. I let go of my doubts and concerns and worries. I let go of the facade I put on when I went to the bar. I let go of my insecurities. I told him before our first date about my food allergies. I told him on our third date about my eating disorder. In the past, this would have been an act of tried sabotage, but not this time. I told him because I decided if he was going to love me, he was going to love me for exactly who I was then, and who I will continue to be. I let go of my cloaks and shields, broke down the walls I had built time and time again and stood fresh and newly emerged as a butterfly from its cuccoon. I let go of holding myself back. And he did love me for who I was. And now, almost 10 months later, he loves me for who I am now.

I can’t control everything. None of us can. When your hands are full with baggage, there isn’t much room for anything else. But shed those insecurites and let go and you free yourself to carry what you really want: love.

Look At Their Tummies June 14, 2010

I find myself at a familiar place. That place where I have realized I like someone and would like to spend more time with them. That place of sheer uncomfort with the idea of telling this person exactly that: that I like him and would like to spend more time with him. Technology has foiled my plan to hurdle my own awkwardness and my advice to others in this situation falls flat. Friends tell me to do what I know is the right thing: to just tell him. It certainly makes sense and it would be my advice to another in question. Facing my own social regressions into a teenage boy however, makes this stifling for me.  A friend of mine works as an elementary school teacher and she went to her kids for alternative suggestions past what I know I must do. Here are some of my favorites: kiss them, play with them, don’t scream at them, push them down the slide, share your secrets, let them use your toys, draw with them, and my personal favorite: look at their tummies.

First graders can certainly be more wise than we give them credit for.

I pointed out to another friend just how painfully awkward I can be. He pointed out that its real and me, and that’s the best way to be. Will I make an ass out of myself? Maybe. But I guess I’ll just be me and see what happens. I do it best.

Parental Units February 21, 2010

It is often difficult to view our parents in a romantic sense. Sometimes it can be creepy. For some people thinking about parents and romance is depressing and disheartening. The toils of infidelity, divorce, and other plagues of relationships marr so many views of love and marriage. I have been blessed. This year my parents will celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary. My dad likes comic books and my mom collects menorahs. Both of my parents love to read, camping, star trek, and flea markets. I can count on my hand the number of times I have heard my parents really fight. Sometimes my dad brings my mom flowers just because he felt like it. Sometimes they hold hands walking through flea markets.

It is often hard to describe one’s culture because it is so ingrained in our daily lives. I was raised in a culture of love. Sometimes I take for granted the beauty of my parents because it is what I have always known. Sure, sometimes its hard to put romance and parents in the same thought but I would be remiss if I didn’t include the relationship that laid my foundation of love. My parents are the nerdy frame of my rose colored glasses.

Love at 30,00 feet.

No, I’m not talking about the “mile high” club. Over the past number of years, I have that my love of love faded. My rose colored glasses had become dingy and colorless. My heart still melted a little when I saw the small gestures of love and the glints in people’s eyes, but it was almost in the way one watches a child on the playground. Feelings of being wise and knowing things will change-knowing how the world really is. And also a touch of sadness-a small yearning to go back to the time when life was simple, when the world was beautiful.

It took a complimentary airline magazine clean off and re-color my lenses. Perfect timing, in fact-it was a mere 2 days before Valentine’s Day. I remain solid in my opinion that Valentine’s Day is a corporate bastardization of everything that is beautiful about love, but now is not the time to get into that.

It has been a while since I have written. Not much has happened in my personal bubble of romance to be worth writing about. And that, I most recently realized, was the problem. Not the lack of activity in my life. Truth be told its been rather refreshing. The problem was I let my egocentric-ism take over. This blog is about love and relationships; not about me. Sure, my life floods the pages but because that’s what I know best. My best friends Kevin and Katrina have the simplest but most beautiful love I have ever seen. My parents are celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary. I have friends that deserve so much more than the relationships they are in.

Love surrounds me, I don’t surround love.

Newton’s Law of Dating January 14, 2010

As females, we tend to talk to each other about guys. And I know I am not the only one who has wondered “If this is what we’re saying about them, what are they saying about us?” And most of us cast away that thought as our inner egotist shining through and nothing more. WRONG. Guys talk to other guys about girls. And no, its not the “he only talks about the girls he really likes, so this must be important.” Guys talk. When you call your girl friend up about the cute kid you just met at the bar, know that guys do that too.

I tend to say that all girls are crazy and all guys are assholes. Most people agree with me, on some level or another, but a good friend of mine modified the statement into “Girls are delusional and guys are self absorbed.” I like that. Newton’s law states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Which, when applied to relationships, makes sense. For every bit of self absorbed as one guy is, the girl he is involved with should be (and often becomes) equally as delusional. Similarly, for every bit delusional a girl is about a situation, a guy is equally and oppositely self involved. That’s why guys balk when girls start talking about marriage and babies after the first date. And also why girls look for “signs” because the guy isn’t giving them anything to go off of. The causation is unclear (Are girls delusional because guys are self absorbed, or are guys self absorbed because girls are delusional? Chicken? Egg?”)

The way I see it is this is a spectrum and can be displayed on a simple bar graph. Zero is complete neutral ground. There is no delusion and no self-absorbedness. I don’t think this place exists, but thats a discussion for another post. To the right is delusion (d) and to the left is self-absorbness. (s) So, our formula is Xd=Xs. The closer one gets to zero, the stronger the relationship and the more in tune with reality the couple is. If you have a girl who stalks Orlando Bloom and has her walls plastered with his face, he is equally and oppositely self-absorbed (ie: he doesn’t know she exists)

How does this apply to guys talking to each other? Newton’s Law of Dating transfers to Andrea’s Law of Averages (when they’re teaching this stuff in school, you can proudly proclaim that you saw it here first) Guys talk to each other in a self-absorbed nature- guy-to-guy in what they both understand “Man, I’m trying to decide if I want to bone this chick or not”. Girls talk to girls in a delusional nature-girl-to-girl in what they both understand “If we have kids they’ll have the greatest eyes” Guys don’t show their delusional side, and girls don’t show their self-absorbed side. Each side portrays this certain screen and view for the other party.

So where is the reality? What is really going on? Andrea’s Law of Averages states that the reality of the situation is in the average of the two sides. (d+s)/2≈R (R being reality). If a guy is being X self-absorbed in guy-speak and a girl is being Y delusional in girl-speak, what is really going on is somewhere in the middle of the two. I’m still tweaking equation. Maybe relationships ARE rocket science.

This Season Its Not Just Leaves That Fall October 6, 2009

Hearts do too. In fact, autumn is when I find myself most likely to fall for someone. There are a lot of potential factors for this, I feel. Spring is a time for new growth, often times internally so. Summer has always been associated with freedom: free from school, free from constricting clothes, free from England (hey, it counts) Fall, though, seems to carry some magic in the air. Maybe its just preparation for the winter: finding someone to shack up with for the frosty winter nights.  I don’t think there is anything better than hot chocolate, the crisp autumn air, and holding hands.  There is also something mysteriously sexy about sweater weather. Everything is covered but still lends itself to shape. Summer and sometimes spring often reveal so much, and in winter everyone becomes a textile blob. In fall there is a sweater, a light jacket but still skirts and dresses, and still shape to be found.

Maybe its because autumn is my favorite season, so I feel most at ease, most comfortable, most like myself. Maybe its something in the air. And maybe someday, maybe, those feelings found in autumn will still linger on through the seasons’ changes.

“That Bastard Trojan Horsed My Heart” July 8, 2009

I tend to consider myself an at least mildly intelligent human being. I do my best to learn from my mistakes. Like most people with somewhat serious emotional baggage, I built a wall around my heart and emotions. I knew that I needed to be able to have time build trust in a person before letting them in. I also knew that every male that has played a significant role in my relationship past  has gotten me from the start. There is meeting and immediate infatuation. It may have taken a while for that infatuation to be realized or for there to be interraction, but everyone came with an immediate infatuation. Everyone, that is, except Benny.

Normally I change names to protect anonymity but nothing about Benny in my life is normal. I tossed around pseudonyms for him and nothing stuck. he is nothing but my Benny. Thus, anonymity can suck it. Its about time I tried to strive for clarity.

I met Benny months ago. In March I believe, though I’m not really sure. The lack of details is the first sign that this was different since I remember what shirt my ex-boyfriend was wearing the night I met him first semester sophomore year of college. Benny is, of course, different. When I met Benny there was nothing. I thought he was cute. I thought he was funny. But I didn’t think about him past that day. There was nothing specifically special about him how I felt when we met. We ran into each other a few times over the next months alsways with hugs, smiles, and unfulfilled promises of getting together. Times that never held romance, feelings, or chemistry. So one day I’m out for drinks after work with two of my girl friends and we stop into Lava Lounge on the Southside. My old bassist worked there so we stopped in to see her and catch up. Who is there but Benny? There was laughter, hugs and smiles. We started talking, catching up, talking about future plans and his impending move to Mississippi which was just two short weeks away at this point. At some nondiscrpt point in the conversation our eyes met and something happened. I have found no other words to describe this but the universe turned a lightswitch on. That night was filled with flirting, conversation, and chemistry like nothing I had been a part of before. I spare details because it is too special to me that I want to be selfish and not share for fear it will dull the shine on that time. Anyone that saw us together can back me up on that and anyone who didn’t will just have to trust the beauty of that night.

As a reminder, at this point Benny was slated to move to Mississippi two weeks later. Those two weeks were filled with more conversation, learning, and failed efforts to see each other. Benny moves. At this point I am prepared to simply be grateful for what we shared and move on. No sense in starting something over 1,000 miles, especially given my track record with distance. All my best layed plans seem to fall flat because he started in with the “I miss you”s and plans to visit.

I fell. Hard. So hard, in fact, that it took me about a week to catch up with myself and just how hard I fell. the beauty of the situation is that he had fallen for me too. But that didn’t change the fact that the bastard trojan horsed my heart!!! I have a perfectly good wall built against falling for anyone, especially someone who was moving away. Benny was deemed as not a threat. We had already met and hung out. There was no spark. I was free to let my guard down and BAM! He stole my heart. Total thief. Really not cool.

This lovey and fallying and generally mushy things carry on for about two weeks ( you know me, I don’t waste time) After this he went MIA. Due to some perosnal issues, some details I know and somme I don’t, he was in not such a great place mentally. He apologized for being MIA and taking it out on me. This is where we are now. No contact, merely speculations. One possibility is that he didn’t want to get me involved in the crap he is going through and is waiting until he gets himself straightened out as to not drag me down. Another is due to all the shit in his life he is trying to cut out the drama and bullshit which includes the pain of a large distance seperating him from someon he cares about There are an infinite number of possibilities. The only one that really matters is the truth, which I’m hoping to gain someday.

For now, I am trying to let him be. Walking away from something that amazing is far from easy. I had to start using a different phone which caused me to lose every message I recieved from Benny except one. I took that as a bit of a sign. I have decided not to dwell on what may or may not be happening. All I can do is store what we had, save it. If/when he is ready to come back to me, he will. Until that point I carry a little smile in my inbox and a step forward.

I swear my heart will burst. June 29, 2009

Normally I try to keep this blog fairly ambiguous. I try to keep my posts as general as possible and focus on specific aspects. Today is not normally. Today I feel myself spinning slowly into a feeling of romantic desperation with no way to rescue myself. I now understand the term “crazy for someone” This is how I feel. I have been devoid of contact for over a week. A week can be 5 minutes and a week and be 5 years and this week in this case was 5 years. I want him back. I need him back. I just do.